


Five

by DieZivaDie



Category: NCIS
Genre: Gen, Unapologetic Crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 01:24:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5314937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DieZivaDie/pseuds/DieZivaDie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes idioms can be an absolute bear. Pure crack. Consider the source and enter at your own peril.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five

With Tim at his shoulder, Gibbs stood by impatiently as firemen, with chainsaws and hatchets, rescued his Senior Field Agent from the huge tree. Branches rustled around the big ladder thrust into their center while an occasional expletive could be heard, causing Tim to wince and Gibbs to smirk in amusement. Eventually, one Italian shoe clad foot emerged from the foliage, followed by his senior field agent as he scampered down the fire ladder to safety. 

 

When Tony, with a grateful pat on the shoulder to the firemen helping him, hopped down onto solid ground and began dusting his jacket off with a frown, Gibbs stormed over.

 

“What the hell, DiNozzo?”

 

“Oh, hey, Boss!” Tony looked over his shoulder to regard the conifer with a shudder, and then considered his suit sadly. “I ruined another suit,” he complained as he shook out his pleats.

 

Gibbs reached up to give him a gentle smack. “That’ll teach you to wear Zumba to work.”

 

Green eyes flashed momentarily. “Zegna, Boss,” he corrected in outrage. Pinching his fingers together and waving them under Gibbs’ nose for emphasis, he enunciated, “Ermenegildo Zegna.” He grinned at his boss’ bemused scowl.

 

Looking around anxiously, Tim stuttered for a minute. “Um, uh, Tony. Where’s Ziva?”

 

Preoccupiedly, Tony muttered, “Ziva?” He raised his face and wheeled around to point towards a nearby tree, the base of which was totally denuded of bark. “D’yah see that tree over there?”

 

Tim squinted. “That cherry tree?”

 

Looking askance at his partner, Tony started to say something and then, reconsidering, gave a mental headshake before explaining, “Well, you see, we were following up that lead you gave us…”

 

_They followed the trail, having to hike in to the cabin after the GPS had lied to them yet again. What had looked like a clear road leading up to a lodge had turned out to be an access road, which had eaten much of the Charger’s suspension, leading to a hiking trail which was little better than a gully left by the recent Spring run-off. Tony whistled happily as he bounced up the path._

_Having enough of her partner’s good mood, Ziva griped angrily, “Would you stop doing that?”_

_Tony grinned at her from behind his sunglasses. “Doing what? Whistling?” He dropped his voice to ask huskily, “You know how to whistle, dontcha? You just press your lips together and blooooooowww.”_

_His eyebrows waggled suggestively at his cranky partner, watching in triumph and then trepidation when her eyes narrowed dangerously._

_“It is your fault that we are walking!”_

_“Hunh?! How do you figure that?” Tony asked breezily, punctuating it with a slap to the back of his neck as another insect settled down for a quick snack of very special blood._

_“I ordered you to double-check the map,” was the haughty reply._

_“I think you’re forgetting who the Very Senior Field Agent is, Probie David.”_

_Ziva whirled on him in an instant. “I have not been a probie for over a year and should not have been a probie even then!” she hissed._

_Tony grinned, infuriating his partner even more. “Is that so?” Circling around to face his partner and resting his hands on his hips, he scanned the sky and twisted his lips first to one side and then the other in thought. His eyes slid down to watch Ziva’s impatience with his blocking her path grow before making a duckface and allowing a pregnant pause to pass. “You don’t think you need to follow my orders?”_

_“Of course not! I am far better trained than you.”_

_With a grin, Tony observed, “You think you’re better than me?”_

_“Does a pear sit in the woods?” was the smug reply._

_Tony’s eyes widened, and he took a giant step backwards. “Bear!”_

_“Bear, pear, it matters not.” Ziva grinned ferally at how Tony was rapidly backpedalling away from her._

_“No, Ziva, BEAR! Run! RUN!” Tony yelled as he started sprinting for a tree…”_

“You know how all of a sudden she’s been everyone's best friend, and everyone loves and relates to her even though she is sneering and talking in that impatient staccato way of hers?”

 

Gibbs nodded while Tim frowned in confusion.

 

“It doesn’t extend to enraged grizzlies, Boss.”

 

“DiNozzo, everyone knows Ziver can outfight a grizzly. What the Hell happened?”

 

“She was doing really good,” Tony conceded. “Some of her moves were straight out of Power Rangers with the arm chops and ballet moves. I don’t think the bear knew what to do with her at first.”

 

When Tony paused, Gibbs pursed his lips and cocked his head to the side in exasperation. “Where were you? You couldn’t get a clear shot?”

 

Tony pointed over his shoulder at the tall pine. “Do you have any idea how tough it is to get a clear shot through all those needles? Besides, she was twirling like a dervish on speed.”

 

“You couldn’t hit the bear?” Tim enquired in surprise.

 

Tony frowned. “Well, yeah, the bear was just sitting there. Bears _do_ sit in the woods,” he added knowingly. “But, when she couldn’t fight it off with her ninja moves, she jumped up and tried grabbing it by the neck with her thighs of steel. See?”

 

He waved his cell phone in front of them. Grasping Tony’s phone to steady it for a better view, Tim’s eyes widened in amazement.

 

Ignoring the other agent, Gibbs crowded into Tony’s space, grumbling, “Are you telling me you took the time to take pictures???”

 

Allowing Tim to wrench his phone out of his hand, Tony huffed, “You know, Boss, some of us can multitask. I didn’t spend all of that time hanging from flagpoles to not learn a thing or two! I had her covered, but she wouldn’t give me a clear shot. Well, with my Sig.” he amended, waggling his eyebrows with a smirk and elbow bop for Tim.

 

“You got some good ones with your phone, Tony!” Tim snickered as he messaged them all to himself before handing Tony’s phone back over. At least one of those pictures of Ziva grappling with the bear was almost better than the bathing suit picture he might just so happen to still have on his hard drive. Briefly, he wondered if Ziva was hot for bright blue Elflords and autoerotic asphyxiation. He lamented that he had never found out precisely how kinky Kate was before she got whacked. Abby had hinted before, but still wouldn’t admit to anything.

 

Glaring at his two agents, Gibbs impatiently slung his cap off for a moment to wipe his brow. He was getting too old or this. “Okay, so what finally happened?”

 

“The bear was just lurching around all over this clearing, Boss, bonking into things and making gross gaggy noises with Ziva latched on doing the Suzanne Somers to its neck…boy, did she go downhill after leaving Three’s Company! I guess it never occurred to her that networks don’t take kindly to being screwed with, but she just about disappeared from the planet until she got that infomercial.” Tony’s head snapped forward from the force of the slap. With a blink, and then a grimace, he explained, “So, long story short…”

 

“Too late for that,” Gibbs muttered under his breath.

 

“The bear, it _slipped…in shit.”_ Tony spread his arms expansively. “Like, lots of shit, Boss! A big pile of grizzly guano. Bear butt brownies. Ursine…”

 

“Enough!” Gibbs rubbed his temple. The paperwork was obviously going to cut into his time with his boat. That always made him grumpy. He hoped Vance wouldn’t make him replace Ziva right away. Gibbs preferred to hire his own. At least Eli had run out of kids to foist upon him. He made a mental note to have McGee double check on that.

 

“So, where…” Tim’s eyes widened as Tony pointed to the tree again.

 

“That’s not a cherry tree, McArborist.”

 

McGee swallowed thickly and edged towards the tree his boss and Tony had turned to ponder. As he neared it, he realized that the red blobs he had noticed before were haphazardly strewn everywhere, rather than growing from it and, when the wind shifted, a copper stench wafted through the air. He gagged.

 

“McGee, if you foul my crime scene, you’re picking it up with tweezers.”

 

A glimmer from the ground drew Tony’s attention. He signaled the others. While Gibbs and Tim watched in confusion, Tony rummaged in his suit pocket, his hand emerging a moment later with an evidence bag. Turning the bag inside out, Tony slipped his hand into it as he paced towards the sound of buzzing insects. He turned his head sideways with a grimace and scrunched up his nose as he delicately reached towards the ground.

 

“I’ve recently been informed that pears sit in the woods, but, as for the answer to the age old question: Yes, bears do shit in the woods.”

 

Shaking the object in his hand with a few quick flicks, a few pungent brown blobs fell free. Triumphantly holding it up for the others to see, the sun reflected off a familiar golden necklace.


End file.
